The Toronto Experiments #1 – Flying Hat

All good things begin in a certain way. I hope that this is one of them.

I also hope that this will be the first of many suggested experiments. And I dedicate this and future experiments to the city of Toronto: I love you so much, my feet hurt.

There are urges some have that others consider to be odd. Say when you’re having a conversation with a person who is holding a glass of water and for no particular reason you want to take the glass of water and empty the contents on their face. The specific technique of the emptying process is left to your imagination (use it well). Or in another scenario you approach two people who are engaged in a conversation, each with a glass of water in their hands, and you walk up to the two, take both glasses and empty them on their respective faces. Then you proceed to walk away in a nonchalant manner as if something routine has happened.

A similar urge is the origins of the experiment that follows. The scene is set in a subway station where you find a staircase adjacent to an escalator. You are going up the escalator and the target is climbing up the stairs. When you approach the target you take their hat and you fling it in the reverse direction (down the stairs). You then proceed to scurry up the escalator and, if possible, on to a safe hiding location. An oncoming train would be perfect.

The test we are trying to conduct here is whether the target will go after their hat or whether they will chase you down in order to beat you to a pulp.

The experiment works best when the hat is a fedora as it adds a certain poetic sense to the hat toss. Otherwise a baseball cap or some other head gear will do just fine. Also try and situate it so that the staircase is busy such that it makes chasing you all that more inconvenient. Don’t always do this — variety is best — collect as many data points as you can.

This experiment is by no means complete or perfect. If you have any ways to improve it, please do so.

best khutbah ever!

I have a problem with boring khutbahs. The problem is made worse because most khutbahs are boring. I realize this is not exactly the most eloquent critique. I would have better things to say, were I able to stay awake. But I often find myself dozing off. So, the problems with my attention span not withstanding, why do khutbahs put people to sleep?

Growing up in Saudi, all of the khutbahs were in Arabic so there was no way I would actually understand what was going on. I can’t recall any of the khutbahs I’ve been to in Pakistan, or whether they were even in Urdu. Then there was high school. Oh boy, teenage boys giving khutbahs on Lord knows what (and boy am I glad I never got into that). Some of the khutbahs were read off of a book, khutbahs written some 100 years ago. Nice. How engaging. I wonder what (and why) the mindset is, “I’m going to read this khutbah to you in a very monotonous fashion in hopes that you will be feel guilted into being better Muslims.” Yes, I know this might not be the thinking behind it, but that’s how it comes off. Reading khutbahs is clearly not a high school phenomenon, I think I’ve seen it in university as well.

Most of the khutbahs I attend are at UofT — Friday afternoon nap time. Rarely have I heard anything of relevance in a way that would keep me engaged. Though, this one time the khateeb came in during Ramadan and said “Everyone during Ramadan talks about Ramadan, I’m not going to do that.” That I appreciated and I paid attention during that khutbah. The yearly repeat khutbahs about Ramadan get really really boring. I’m sorry, but they do.

In this one khutbah at UofT the khateeb spoke about facebook. Interestingly, this wasn’t the first time he spoke about facebook. So the feeling I get is that he feels left out and is using the pulpit to let out his frustrations on his personal pet peeves. “The kids, look at the language they’re using on the wall postings.” he said. Ummm, you mean this isn’t the language they use in the hallways at school? Or they wouldn’t talk like this if it wasn’t for facebook? “The internet spawing a sea of digital mediocrity”. Have you been to a library? There’s textual mediocrity there, the difference is that now people can publish their mediocre stuff themselves. Not to mention your khutbah, which would count as audial mediocrity. Okay, I’m done with my rhetorical flourishes, and I wish you’d stop too. Substance is nice in a speech, and even in a rant. Also, the fact that you facestalk kids is kinda creepy.

So I sat there cringing and shaking my head in disappointment. This is a pattern that applies to most khutbahs. I know that you’re standing up and I’m sitting down, but that doesn’t mean you should talk down to me. It really is a shame. You have a weekly arena where you could be talking about pressing and relevant issues. Instead, you rant and talk down to people. You yell and you wave your hands and you point, without making much a point. Seems like such wasted space. Please pull yourself out of the (pul)pit and look at where you are and who you’re talking to. Relate, don’t alienate. I was having a conversation with Fathima about this and she said that she keeps her expectations for khutbahs low because they rarely measure up. I told her that’s like walking into a Will Farrell movie.

Kayne West had recently grabbed the mic from Taylor Swift to tell her and the entire world his opinion on the best video of the year. I wanted to do that at the Eid khutbah at IIT (Islamic Institute of Toronto), but for reasons opposite to Kanye.

As we were walking towards the mosque I made a joke about the name of the place, IIT, “Islamic Institute of Technology” I said to my mother as I fake giggled. The prayers were held outdoors which reminded me of the eid prayers back in Saudi. But beyond the bad joke, I was awake the entire khutbah.

The khateeb, Shaikh Ahmad Kutty, said that it’s good that we fasted, but we should also remember all the injustices in the world and in our communities. During the course of the khutbah he mentioned how Muslims need to take active roles in organizations like Doctors (and Teachers) Without Borders, how we need to focus on curbing emissions, fighting poverty and tackling homelessness.

What Shaikh Kutty didn’t do was he didn’t talk down to me. He didn’t yell, he spoke, but better yet, he communicated. He didn’t tell me how bad a person I was for doing what I did (like posting on a facebook wall, how evil!), instead he told me what I could be doing. He got me interested in what he was saying, not just because of what he said, but also how he said it. Having knowledge (religious or otherwise) doesn’t qualify you to communicate that knowledge. Realizing that point changes your perspective on how you interact with people. It makes a world of a difference when you guide people towards productive actions, as opposed to telling them how evil they are and throwing wads of guilt at them.

At one point during the khutbah I wanted to run up to the front, grab the mic from him and say, “I’m really happy for you, and imma let you finish, but this is one of the best khutbahs ever!”. Then I’d shrug my shoulders, hand back the mic, and climb over top people and find my spot and sit down. And pretend it didn’t happen. But I didn’t. Instead, I walked away from the khutbah thinking, “Whoa, that was the best khutbah ever!”.

silence is silly

For me, it seems, that silence is silly (even if no one is listening). I think I am my best when I am critically and creatively thinking and discussing those thoughts. I find it hard to find forums of discussion that encourage discussion with out judgment of intention. So there are these continual lingering insecurities. These insecurities are problematic because they exist as a result of wanting to have something and ultimately prevent me from simply being.

And there is the struggle, to simply be through acts of thought and acts of creation. And somewhere in between try and understand the what and the why, out loud. So the written word is reflected thought, becoming a marker of its own growth and evolution.

There is clutter in the mind and it can’t be retained within it, whether it is worthy of retention or not is irrelevant. I’ll scatter the clutter here.

Oh what fun.